Can I call you JBJ? I feel like it’s more informal that way. Yes? Okay. Thanks. Anyway, you probably don’t know why I’m writing you this letter, but not to worry because I’m about to break it down for ya real nice.
Let me tell you a little something about this lovely gal named Sue. Okay, shhh, I know I know, can I continue? Anyway, Sue is a wonderful and hot woman. Any time you sang a song in the past 25 years that sounded like it was to a woman, it was about her, you just probably didn’t know it yet because you haven’t met her. She like, buys all your CDs. Yeah, I said CDs. The old school kind, not even MP3s on the internet. She buys them as soon as they come out AND comes to see you in concert, too.
Think back to your last concert in the northeast. She was probably there. Yup, you got it, she was the one wearing the I Heart Bon Jovi t-shirt.
Oh, and another thing, no, never mind, I won’t tell you that. Yes I will; she has a hot black and white picture of you as her phone background. What is more die hard than that? Nothing. That’s what.
So anyway, you should definitely meet her and embrace your destiny. But be careful, she’s very awesome and has 5 rules to get past the initial testing in order for you to be worthy of dating, so don’t fuck it up. I won’t tell you what those are since that would be cheating, but I’m sure you’ll do just fine. Woah woah, don’t start taking your shirt off, Sue didn’t get here yet. Patience.
Oh, one more thing, you’re welcome.
Your Biggest Fan’s Friend
PS – I almost forgot, she has big bodacious ta ta’s. She wanted me to tell you that; Just FYI.